Since my husband retired, I try to get him out of the house by having him accompany me on my regular shopping trips to Macys. Since he often complains when browsing alongside me, I let him go off and explore the store on his own. I had no idea what he got up to until I opened this letter from my local Macys store:
Dear Mrs. Bertram,
Throughout the past seven months, your husband has been a nuisance in our store. We have tried to be reasonable, but we can no longer allow either of you to shop at Macys, as we cannot condone this behavior. We have video documentation proving the following grievances, and we have listed them below for you to discuss with your husband:
January 12: Mr. Bertram took 20 boxes of condoms off the shelf and proceeded to drop them in other shoppers’ carts when they weren’t looking. Needless to say, these shoppers were not happy.
January 28: Mr. Bertram perused the Homewares section and decided to set all of the alarm clocks (there were 85 in total) to go off at five minute intervals.
February 11: Mr. Bertram opened a can of tomato juice and made a trail of it on the floor leading from the woman’s bathroom to the feminine hygiene section.
February 25: Mr. Bertram walked up to a freshly hired employee and told her in an official voice, “Code Five in Homewares. We need you on it pronto.” Thinking she had just received orders from a superior, the employee left her assigned station and then was scolded by her supervisor. This turned into a union grievance, which caused us to lose valuable time, money, and employees.
March 8: Mr. Bertram tied up a busy cashier for 25 minutes when he attempted to put a bag of M&Ms on hold for three weeks.
March 10: Mr. Bertram moved a “CAUTION: WET FLOOR” sign from the dangerous tiled floor to a perfectly dry carpet.
March 31: Mr. Bertram pitched a tent in the Outdoors section. A few children stopped by and asked if they could join him in the tent. He told them that they could come in, but only if they brought pillows and blankets from the Bedding department. A total of 25 children participated in moving the items.
April 13: When one of our friendly customer service representatives asked Mr. Bertram if she could help him find anything, he shouted at her, “Why can’t you just LEAVE ME ALONE!” He then sprinted in the other direction, knocking down every rack in his path.
April 21: Mr. Bertram used a security camera as a mirror in which to observe himself picking his nose. He then showcased his “discovery” to the camera.
April 29: While perusing the rifles in the Sports department, he called the clerk over to ask where we sold the antidepressants.
May 16: Mr. Bertram weaved in and out of shoppers noisily running around and singing the “Mission Impossible” theme song.
May 22: While in the Automobiles section, Mr. Bertram tested out his “Madonna look” with different sizes of funnels, distracting the attendants from their jobs by constantly asking which size funnel worked best for him.
June 4: Mr. Bertram hid in a clothing rack in the Children’s department, yelling, “PICK ME! PICK ME!” as shoppers walked by.
June 15: An attendant had to rush over to comfort Mr. Bertram after a storewide announcement. Mr. Bertram was found in the fetal position crying out, “OH NO, IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN! MAKE THEM STOP! MAKE THEM STOP!”
June 21: Mr. Bertram took a box of condoms to a customer service representative and asked, “Excuse me, where is the fitting room?”
And last, but certainly not least:
July 1: Mr. Bertram went into a fitting room in the Ladies section, and after a few minutes, proceeded to yell out, “Hey! I need some help, there’s no toilet paper in here!” The attendant in the section promptly quit.
Needless to say, I won’t be taking my husband shopping with me anymore.